Well, here we are another Thursday and yet another post of confessions of a sales professional. Welcome back to the safe space, family. Pull up a chair, pour something strong, and let’s talk about the psychological tightrope we walk every single day.
We all know the drill. We walk into a business, pick up the phone, or hop on Zoom armed with a polished smile and a vocabulary engineered entirely to keep merchants from instantly slamming the door in our faces.
But let’s be real for a second. Behind the corporate sales argon and the helpful consultant persona, there’s the real internal monologue. It’s the stuff we only mutter to our managers in the parking lot or text to our spouses after a brutal day of prospecting.
It’s time to break the code. Here is the official translation guide for what we say to merchants, versus what is actually running through our heads.
1. “I just want to make sure you aren’t being overcharged by your current provider.”
- What the merchant hears: “Wow, what a nice person, looking out for my small business.”
- What we actually mean: “Your current ISO is absolutely robbing you blind, and I want that residual check.” Let’s face it: we already know they are getting crushed by hidden fees, inflated mid-qual rates, and some random “regulatory compliance fee” their processor made up five years ago. I’m not just doing community service here; I’m trying to build a retirement fund, and their current statement looks like an all-you-can-eat buffet for my portfolio.
2. “Let me run a free, no-obligation cost analysis for you.”
- What the merchant hears: “They are going to do some math for me for free.”
- What we actually mean: “Please, for the love of God, just hand over the statement so I can prove you’re losing money.” Getting a merchant to surrender a processing statement is harder than pulling teeth from a grizzly bear. When I say “no-obligation,” what I really mean is: “I am going to highlight their junk fees in bright yellow, show you exactly how much money you’re burning, and make it emotionally impossible for you to tell me no.”
3. “We pride ourselves on 24/7 local customer support.”
- What the merchant hears: “If my terminal breaks, a team of experts is ready to help.”
- What we actually mean: “Please use the 1-800 number on the sticker, because if you call my personal cell phone at 7:30 PM on a Saturday during your dinner rush, I might cry.” Look, I love my merchants. I want them to succeed. But I am in sales, not an IT professional. There is no panic quite like answering your phone at a bar on the weekend only to hear, “The Clover is doing a weird looping thing, how do I reboot it?” My heart drops every single time.
4. “Our pricing is 100% transparent.”
- What the merchant hears: “There are no hidden tricks here.”
- What we actually mean: “I am putting you on Interchange-Plus because explaining Tiered Pricing makes my brain bleed, and I don’t want you calling me next month when a ‘rewards card’ triggers a 4.5% rate.” Transparency is great, but it’s also self-preservation. I want to build clean, long-term residuals. If I lay it all out honestly on day one, I don’t have to defend a shady statement next month, and I never have to explain what a “Non-Qual” fee is ever again.
5. “I completely understand that you’re busy right now, I can stop back by next week.”
- What the merchant hears: “This rep is very respectful of my time.”
- What we actually mean: “I can see that you are currently unboxing inventory and screaming at an employee, so if I try to pitch you right now, you’re going to throw a stapler at my head.” It’s called tactical retreat. I’m not being polite; I’m a survivalist. I know when a room is radioactive, and I’d rather live to fight another Thursday than get permanently banned from the premises today.
6. “Oh, your brother-in-law handles your credit card processing? That’s great.”
- What the merchant hears: “They respect my family ties.”
- What we actually mean: “The absolute ultimate shield. Game over. I cannot compete with Thanksgiving dinner.” The moment the “family member” card gets dropped, a little piece of my soul leaves my body. We both know your brother-in-law is probably overcharging you, but I also know you can’t fire him without making Sunday dinner incredibly awkward. It’s the one objection that hits like a brick wall.
At the end of the day we spin the narrative because that’s the game we have to play to get our foot in the door. But at the end of the day, the hustle is real. We push past the deflections because we know that once we actually get them to switch, we will protect their bottom line, and we will protect our own residuals.
What’s your favorite “translation” that didn’t make the list? Drop your best corporate-to-salesperson translations in the comments below or respond to this email.
Happy Selling,
David
