Listen, we know the drill. You’ve spent all morning cold-calling in the rain, your shoes are squeaking, and you just want one merchant to look at their statement without acting like you’re asking for their firstborn. Sometimes, the only thing that keeps us sane in the world of merchant services is the sheer absurdity of the “NO.”
From the “I don’t believe in electricity” crowd to the merchants who treat their current bank like a long-lost lover, we’ve heard it all. Grab a lukewarm coffee and enjoy our definitive countdown of the most ridiculous objections we’ve ever encountered in the field.
From the Home office in Peculiar, Missouri! Here are the
Top 10 Funniest Merchant Services Objections
10. The “Nephew in the Garage”
“My nephew is actually building a custom payment gateway in his basement right now. He says it’ll be ready by 2027 and it’ll be totally free.”
The Reality: We love family loyalty, but unless your nephew is Jack Dorsey, you’re basically saying you’d rather use a potato as a terminal than save 50 basis points today.
9. The “Retrograde” Defense
“I can’t sign anything today. Mercury is in retrograde, and my psychic told me that any new financial contracts signed this week will lead to a plague of locusts in the kitchen.”
The Reality: Honestly? This is the most honest objection on the list. At least they didn’t blame their “manager who isn’t here.”
8. The “Paper Trail” Purist
“I don’t trust those little chips. I’m waiting for the industry to go back to those sliding ‘knuckle-buster’ machines. It’s more personal when there’s carbon paper involved.”
The Reality: Sir, it’s 2026. If we go back to carbon paper, we might as well start accepting pelts and spices as currency.
7. The “Aggressive Wealth”
“I’m actually making too much money right now. If I save any more on my processing fees, I’ll be in a higher tax bracket and it’ll be a whole thing. I’d rather keep overpaying.”
The Reality: This is the ultimate “suffering from success” flex. It’s the sales equivalent of being told, “I’m too hydrated to drink water.”
6. The “Ghost Partner”
“I need to talk to my partner about this.” You: “Great, are they in today?” “No. They live in a monastery in Tibet and only check their carrier pigeon mail once a quarter.”
The Reality: The “Ghost Partner” is the unicorn of the merchant world—everyone talks about them, but no one has ever seen them.
5. The “Bank Stockholm Syndrome”
“My bank charges me $400 a month in junk fees and they haven’t updated my terminal since the Clinton administration… but the teller gives my dog a biscuit, so we’re basically family.”
The Reality: That is one expensive dog biscuit. You could buy a literal Great Dane with the money you’d save by switching.
4. The “Security Paradox”
“I don’t want a smart terminal. If it’s connected to the internet, the government will know exactly how many sourdough loaves I sell.”
The Reality: We hate to break it to you, but if you have a smartphone in your pocket and a Facebook page for the bakery, the “secret” of the sourdough is already out.
3. The “Wait and See” (Until I’m Dead)
“I’m thinking about retiring in fifteen years, so I don’t want to complicate my life by changing my daily workflow right now.”
The Reality: Ah, yes. The classic “I have 5,475 days left, and I refuse to spend 10 minutes of one of them making more profit.”
2. The “Physical Threat”
“I’d love to switch, but my current processor’s sales rep is my ex-wife’s brother, and if I cancel, he told me he’ll stop bringing the good potato salad to the family reunions.”
The Reality: Now that is a high-stakes negotiation. You can’t put a price on a good Duke’s Mayo-to-potato ratio.
And the # 1 Top 10 Funniest Merchant Services Objections is …
1. The “Electricity Is a Fad”
“I’m thinking about moving the whole shop to a cash-only, barter-based system where we trade haircuts for artisanal firewood. It’s the future.”
The Reality: This was heard in a high-tech city center. It’s not an objection; it’s a lifestyle choice. Godspeed with the firewood, Larry.
Keep your head up out there. For every ten “Nephews in Garages,” there’s one merchant who actually wants to grow their business. When you find them, tell them Peculiar, Missouri says hello.
Have a great weekend,
David
Payment Lynx Daily 