Happy Halloween! On this day of ghosts, goblins, and ghouls, we’re swapping campfire stories for tales from the sales crypt. These are the things that truly haunt the nightmares of every merchant services professional. So, bolt your doors, check your residuals, and count down the top 10 scariest things in our industry.
From the Home office in the basement of Bates Motel in Fairvale, California
Here are this weeks Top 10 Friday Scariest Things in Merchant Services
10. The Fortress Gatekeeper More terrifying than any haunted house guardian, this gatekeeper protects the decision-maker with supernatural devotion. They rise from their desk like a spirit from a grave, whispering the soul-crushing incantation: “They’re in a meeting… indefinitely.”
9. The Phantom Statement A merchant hands you a processing statement shimmering with promise—a ghostly image of incredible volume and juicy rates. You spend hours brewing the perfect proposal potion, only to discover the statement was a phantom from a busier time, or worse, a cursed relic from a competitor’s grimoire.
8. The POS-session The deal is signed in blood (well, ink). You arrive with the shiny new terminal, but the moment you plug it in, it becomes possessed. The Wi-Fi password is a lost spell, the POS system hisses and rejects the integration, and your new client watches as your soul slowly leaves your body.
7. “I Need to Consult the Spirits…” …”…of my partner/spouse/accountant.” The deal was alive, and now it’s trapped in the spirit world, its fate dependent on a mysterious entity you’ll never see. This isn’t a “no”—it’s a haunting, leaving a ghostly apparition in your pipeline for months.
6. The Cancellation Hex You open your email, and a curse leaps from the screen. The subject line glows like a bad omen: “Cancellation of Services.” It’s from one of your top accounts, a chilling digital hex that drains the lifeblood from your residuals with no warning.
5. The Mark of the Beast (on the Door) You approach a prime prospecting location, your hopes high, only to see it—the fresh, gleaming mark of the beast. A Square, Clover, or Toast sticker plastered on the door like a freshly carved jack-o’-lantern, signaling that another soul has already been claimed.
4. The Underwriting Underworld: “DECLINED” You fought the beasts, navigated the labyrinth, and returned with the signed contract. You cast it into the underwriting underworld for approval, only for it to be spat back out with a single, blood-red word: DECLINED. The deal is banished to the shadow realm, its potential forever lost.
3. “Can you just send me a scroll?” This ancient curse, often translated as “email me something,” is a surefire way to banish a sales rep. You know your carefully crafted parchment will disappear into a haunted forest of unread emails, its magic wasted.
2. The Calendar Crypt You dare to gaze into the future (your calendar for next week) and find only a desolate, empty crypt. No appointments, no follow-ups, no signs of life. It’s a terrifying silence, forecasting a famine of commissions and a long, cold winter.
And the #1 Top 10 Scariest Thing in Merchant Services is …
1. The “We Found a Cheaper Alchemist” Call The most bloodcurdling horror of all. It’s the ghostly whisper on the phone from your largest, most loyal account—the one that pays for your castle and feeds your gargoyles. They’ve been lured away by a rival sorcerer who promised the same magic for a few fewer silver coins. Your financial foundation crumbles, and the horror is complete.
Stay safe out there, and don’t let the sales monsters get you.
Oh, one more thing, I want to wish a Happy Birthday to my brother Jack. I hope you have a Spooktacular day!
Happy Halloween!
David
Payment Lynx Daily 