Happy Friday, everyone! As a merchant services salesperson, we encounter a unique blend of characters and situations. It’s a world where every “NO” is just a step closer to a “YES,” and sometimes, the only way to keep sane is to find the humor in it all. So, for your end-of-week chuckle,
From the Home Office in Pee Pee, Ohio, here’s our countdown of
the top 10 funny things about selling merchant services
10. The “I’m Just Looking” Merchant You know the type. They’ve invited you in, asked for a full demo, and then, just as you’re about to close, they hit you with the classic, “Thanks, but I’m just looking at my options right now.” You just spent an hour explaining interchange rates to someone who was apparently only window shopping for payment processing.
9. The “My Cousin Does It Cheaper” Card Ah, the mythical cousin. This relative always seems to have a better deal, a secret handshake, and a payment processing system that runs on unicorn tears. You’ll never meet them, but their presence looms large over every negotiation.
8. Explaining PCI Compliance Like It’s a Thriller Novel “And then, the data… it was unencrypted! The hackers… they were everywhere!” You try to make it sound exciting, a matter of digital life and death, but most merchants just glaze over at the mention of “Payment Card Industry Data Security Standard.”
7. The Never-Ending “Just One More Question” Loop You’ve answered everything. You’ve provided references, testimonials, and a detailed breakdown of every fee. Then, just as you reach for the pen, “Wait, I just thought of one more thing…” It’s like Groundhog Day, but with more credit card terminals.
6. The Merchant Who Thinks You’re the IT Department “My internet is slow, can you fix it?” “My printer isn’t working, is that part of the merchant services?” You’re there to talk about transactions, but suddenly you’re troubleshooting their entire office setup.
5. The “I Don’t Trust Technology” Luddite With all the contactless payments, ethernet lines, WIFI, cellular connections you’ll still find the merchant who insists on a dial-up terminal and views any new technology with deep suspicion. Explaining EMV chips and Apple Pay feels like teaching calculus to a caveman.
4. The Unexpected Pet Encounters From a curious cat batting at your presentation materials to a dog who thinks your binder is a chew toy, you never know what furry friends will join your sales pitch. Sometimes, they’re the most engaged audience members.
3. The “I Already Have a Machine” Misunderstanding “I don’t need merchant services, I have a machine!” Bless their hearts. You then embark on the delicate dance of explaining that the machine is just the hardware, and they still need a service provider to process payments.
2. The Voicemail/ Text Vortex You leave a text message. You leave another voice message. And another. It’s a black hole of unanswered calls and texts, where your cheerful greeting echoes into the abyss, never to be returned. You start to wonder if their phone even works.
And the # 1 Top 10 Hilarious Side of Selling Merchant Services is….
1. The Moment They Realize How Much They’ve Been Overpaying (or are Trapped in a Lease) This isn’t necessarily a laugh-out-loud moment, but it’s where the magic truly happens. It’s the look on their face when you show them how much they could save, or when you explain how you can help them escape that suffocating lease. It’s the dawning realization that they’ve been throwing money away for years. It’s a mix of shock, profound relief, and sometimes, a little bit of anger (directed squarely at their old provider, of course!). And that, my friends, that satisfying “aha!” moment, makes all the other funny, frustrating, and baffling encounters worth every second.
What are your funniest merchant services sales stories? Share them in the comments below!
Have a Great Weekend,
David
Payment Lynx Daily 